Yes indeed -- John Dallman, the Village Zombie and Fish-and-Chip-Cart Operator.
John arrived in the Village in November 2000 to take up the position of Squoire's Constable. Unfortunately in pursuance of what he perceived as his duty, he attempted to keep the dragons of the Village on tungsten leashes and tickle them behind the ears to keep them calm about it, and in the ensuing confusion Dragon Prince inadvertantly ate him. Well. possibly it was deliberate.
Dragon Prince:
/me decides that anyone trying to scratch behind a dragons ears just have a subtle and slightly pointed desire to find out whats it like on the inside of one of those crematoria type places
except I'm a bit peckish so Dallman flambe may just go down quite nicely
After this initial disagreement, John continued to disagree with the Dragon Prince. His unquiet spirit also pervaded the aether, and indeed the atmosphere, for some while, and this was obviously an unacceptable state of affairs (and besides, the cricket season was only four months away: he might in his by-then position and condition have seriously prejudiced the Village's chance of beating Darrington in the opening match). Something Had To Be Done.
What follows is as near to a reconstruction of events as can be managed with only the MkIII Time Machine (Pat. Pending).
Beetle:
People, dragons, ponds and others, lend me your ears!
(Particularly Dragon Prince.)
I have today been in receipt of an email in which a certain party
erstwhile of this Village uttered a plaintive request:
I quote:
>Do you think, as Abthite's nearest equivalent to a magician, you could
>resurrect or re-animate me? I've been dead since Dragon Prince ate me, and
>that's been quite a long time now...
I think this _may_ be the area in which our Mad Scientist is most
proficient, but the first step has to be an appeal to Dragon Prince:
Down, Sir! Put him down!
No, not like that! I didn't mean as in "like a dog".
Lay him gently on the grass here by the pond, so that Toby and I
can get at him, could you please?
Dragon Prince:
Damn food repeating on me... can't have that..... puts the
remnants down near the duck pond.....
Beetle:
This calls for a serious invocation, I think. I may need a little
time to prepare and look things up in the grimoire, to make sure we get all
the bits in the right order.
Unless Toby wants to do it the simple way and just sew it all
together and put a bolt through his neck? I can do lightning to order _no_
bovver....
Toby:
'My, my, I've only ever seen those in Turkish butchers shops! IGOR!!'
At this shout, Igor comes trotting over the hill with a cart
attached to him by an intricate harness.
'Yes boss?' Igor asks in his usual slightly sarcastic but still
inquiring tone.
'Put the brakes on and we will load up and take the body back to
the lab' Toby puts on an American accent 'We can rebuild him, we have the
echnology'
His accent slips 'And we have a lot of superglue'
Igor lifts his tail and, via a small cable attached to it, the
brakes are activated. Toby and Beetle load the cart up with the sundry body
parts that litter the ground. Toby turns to Beetle.......
'Shall we adjurn to the lab, old chap?.........................'
Beetle:
Just let me fetch a couple of books and some fennel and I'm right
with you.
<scurry>
<emerges from lab looking a bit green and fanning self with fennel>
Chris Suslowicz:
Well, now that you've been up to the lab, and seen what's on the
slab....
Beetle:
Messy site^Wsight it is too...
Chris Suslowicz:
I don't think a quick once-over with a damp fennel will help much.
Beetle:
The fennel was for soup: I'm missing lunch for this job. And tea.
And dinner. And supper. Breakfast I don't do anyway...
Chris Suslowicz:
Ask Toby to try the Time Warp.
Beetle:
That's a good idea!
<calls in to the open door of the lab>
Toby, how about the Time Warp?
Toby:
I've told you before, I wear tights for NO-ONE! of course if you
wish to dress up as Frankenfurter I'll quite happily dress up as Riff-Raff.
Anyway, pass me that copper conducting thread, I need to stitch this ear
back on.......
Beetle:
Oh, all right then. Forget that idea. In that case, have you got
a size 4 alembic I can use for this potion? I'll clean it out afterwards,
promise. And is there any claw of bat left in that jar, or had I better go
out and get some?
<fetches wire and hands it over>
Beetle:
IGOR!!!
Toby, quick, catch him.....
Toby looks up, startled, then presses a button on his watch.
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!
Igor comes flying back across the room being dragged by his collar, which
becomes stuck to Toby's watch.
Toby:
"Oh the marvel of superconducting magnets, One Igor as requested"
Toby hands Igor to Beetle.....................
Beetle:
Thanks.
<severe>
Igor, what have you done with the other eye? Give it back at _once_!
John Dallman:
<fx: blank, dead-looking stare>
Beetle:
Just be grateful that I spotted Igor before he had used your other
eye for whatever ploy he was up to with it!
Now, go on holding still whilst I insert it for you, and don't
worry about Toby, he knows what he's doing.
<aside, very quietly>
I think.
<FX: Moose arrives and paints the object on the slab with chocolate sauce.>
Beetle:
Ah, bless-a-moose! Perfect timing! That'll put some life into
John, for certain; chocolate is a known panacea for all ills. Moon's
justabout over the church, too....
Now then, where's that alembic?
<rummage>
<mutter>
Got it!
Good, the bats' claws all dissolved properly.
<adds sherbet to liquid in alembic>
<SFX: *FIZZ* sssssssssssssssssssssssssss>
I think he's about as together as he'll ever be, by now, Toby.
Let's go for it!
Moon full -- check.
Alembic full -- check.
<brandishes fennell>
Aardvark all present and correct -- check.
Zyxomma at the hover -- check.
<strikes pose>
<strikes small brass gong with fennell>
<SFX: *spludge*>
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! By the powers vested in me in my
capacity as Abthite Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper, and on account
of I have got a nucilar natomic laser ray gun and I'm not afraid to use it,
I conjure you, John Dallman, that you return immediately from whichever
dimension you may have wandered into in a beknighted condition, and cease
and desist from persistant noncorporeal unco-operation and reoccupy the
perfectly good body which Toby here has cobbled together, I mean restored
to its former function or as near as makes no reasonable odds.
<gestures to the left>
I call you by Aardvark!
<gestures to the right>
I call you by Zyxomma!
<indulges in a wide circular motion with both hands>
<twitches trailing sleeve of ritual robe loose from corner of lab. bench>
I call you by every living creature between these two extremes!
<mode=Kenneth Williams>
Stop messing about!
</KW>
Get fell in, John, there's a green room needs running at Easter and
<SFX: sudden clap of thunder>
<FX: lightning strikes the upper end of the chocolate-coated figure on the
bench>
<drops alembic, scattering contents over the entire mess>
ooooops -- butterfingers
Well, if that doesn't do it _nothing_ will. Powerful stuff,
sherbet and chocolate in that particular combination. Possibly I might
have doused him more _gracefully_, but never mind, bats' claws is bats'
claws however they're delivered.
Could somebody go and get a hot bath ready: he's probably going to
want to wash some of that lot off when he comes round. And perhaps the
'wiggies could fetch a tot of trouser-stiffener from the bar?
PATTER Patter patter . . .
patter Patter PATTER pant pant pant
Earwig:
Here you are!
Beetle:
Oh, Eustace, thank you! I didn't mean you to do it all on your
own... couldn't some of the others have given you a mandible?
<slurp>
<blink>
*HIC!*
Ahhhhhhhhh, that's better.
These rituals do take it
out
of
m
e
<SFX: thud>
_VVV_
\___/0<
John Dallman:
OK, I know where I am, but how? I see a large Beetle with a pointy
hat, an infinite number of earwigs, an obvious Mad Scientist, and a dragon
that can't get in through the door but is waving a bottle though the
window. I'm clearly in the village of Abthite, and if anyone calls me
Number Six, I'm leaving.
Mmm, fennel chocolate with bits of meat in it.
<tucks in>
Beetle:
Hello John, good to see you looking so
um
_well_.
<slightly anxious>
How are you feeling?
John Dallman:
Apart from hungry, I'm not too bad. I suspect that my lack of a
diaphragm won't be a problem, since the air can get in and out by itself
now, possibly aided by earwigs fanning. Has Toby got a bit of pipe or
suchlike to support the #2 leg? It looks a bit dodgy to me.
Toby starts rumaging thru' some shelves....
Toby:
Hmmm, pipe, pipe.... Supergun, no, gas pipe, too narrow. Oooooh!
How about this it's a semi-articulated exo-frame. I built it to support the
bones in my leg when they were mending after Igor had a little 'accident'
with a Thermo-pulverisor" Toby hands John a rather complicated looking
framework thing.
John Dallman:
Err, yes. Could you help me into it? And do you have another for
the abdomen? I think something is hanging by a thread in there. And if
you've got some cavity wall foam to stop my brain rattling...
After which, the remains of the experiment (other than John himself, of course) were put into the Ford for the Piranha. Very little was left to put out in the dustbin on rubbish-day.
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Text by a Beetle; hosting by the Sinister Firedrake Conspiracy
Last updated: Sat, 15 Jul 2006 22:11:23 +0100